I hope you’re okay. Well, not really. Okay would mean you’ve latched on to someone else and that’s not what I want. I guess I hope you’re not miserable. Which is ironic. But that’s what this past month has done; made me somewhat ironic.
I know now there is forgiveness in letting go of things, of releasing control and relinquishing judgement to a status of irrelevance. It brings you a comfort that can only be described as fear. When you have no parameters to judge your life by, no order, no knuckle-whitening grasp on norms, no judgement calls to rule your standards, your life can become a full force tornado of everything. If you let go of everything, you don’t have nothing. Instead, you can have everything. This is far scarier. And far more comforting.
Don’t have me misunderstood, I did not let go of you. I lost you. In the chaos of moving. That is something else entirely. But I used to think of you as something that was either present or absent. Now you are more like a layer of paint on my walls. You being there, your presence, is irremovable. I can paint over you and chip you off. That’s it, more or less. You’re presence wanes, takes new shapes, transforms, like something lunar. I’m happier with you like this. I don’t thank you for my happiness because you’re gone because now I know I can be happy even when you’re here. It’s a more complicated process but if I let go of you, which I have, you can always come back. I could always brush your fingertips while trying to reach the stars. I could accidentally open my door to light and find you in my hallway. This is what I live with now. It’s scarier. But it’s more comforting. You are always a possibility but so is everything else.
So I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re enjoying being free for a while. I hope you’re keeping your eyes wide open at all there is out there now that you don’t need to fixate on me. We’ve lost each other and maybe that was our breath of fresh air. We don’t need to find anyone else, or anything else. Just knowing that there is more out there, releases us. How could we have been so narrow-sighted? There is a big blue world out there and not all of it is going to love either of us, or be good to us both. But, not all of it will punish us either.
We were cruel to each other. We loathed the other’s presence but we never left, hated it when we managed to and were all the more cruel when we came back together. We were bitter. I’ve let go of that now. I’m trying to be softer. So I hope you’re okay.
And it doesn’t matter if you don’t hope that I am okay. I’m trying to be softer and that means a lot of things. It means ceasing to expect and starting to accept. I hope you’re okay and I’ll accept whatever it is you hope for me. But I won’t expect it.
Write to me if you want to. We lived under the same skin. Your voice is with me always. In the creak of a door and the drip of the taps, but, still, it would be nice to hear from you directly.